(Another) Missed Opportunity

On Wednesday evening, at 9:11, I received an unusual text message from a cell phone number I didn’t recognize: “Ultrasecret hanging out with 40 wasted nurse practitioners. They know how to wrap a bandage.”

I thought it was porno spam—the first I had ever gotten on my cell—and feared a barrage of texts for penal enhancement supplements (see comments below) and get-rich-quick Nigerian oil schemes. I showed the text to a friend, and he too agreed it was porn.

I particularly liked the appellation “practitioners.” Nurses are a mainstay of pornography, or so I’ve been told. But these were not just nurses—care-givers in tight white dresses who were eager to attend to your needs—but nurse practitioners: they had additional schooling. The implication was that they could hold a conversation between acts of bandaging.

Last night I was IMing my friend Chris, and he said, at one point, “I hung out with 30 drunk nurses last night.”

Oh damn, I thought, the party I missed!

During the previous evening’s debauche, he had been using a different cell phone, which accounts, of course, for my not recognizing that the text was from Chris. I realize now that the unusual expression “nurse practitioners” (which is particularly wordy for a text message) should have been a giveaway: only he (who is an appealing amalgam of heady and hedonistic) would have used it.

8 Responses to “(Another) Missed Opportunity”

  1. xg Says:

    I think I’d also be terrified of penal enhancement supplements!

  2. paulhoffman Says:

    A short prison term might be OK, but a stiff sentence would indeed be terrifying.

  3. Tom Panelas Says:

    And to think I link to the site from my PG scholastic chess blog.

  4. Tom Panelas Says:

    I meant link to this site.

  5. paulhoffman Says:

    But, Tom, there are valuable life lessons that chess kids can learn from my blog. That professional writers can get sloppy with near homonyms. That health care professionals can get sloppy in their off hours. That there is life beyond 64 squares.

  6. Tom Panelas Says:


    True enough. And besides, I already link to Elizabeth Vicary’s blog, and a mere orgy with a few dozen nurses is mild stuff compared to what goes on there.

  7. Daniel Lucas Says:

    I can’t help thinking that “40 wasted nurse practitioners” is the basis for one of Woody Allen’s New Yorker humor pieces!

  8. Chess Tipping « thepHtest Says:

    […] My friend Chris sent me this photo of the tip jars in the coffee shop below his office. Judging by the distribution […]

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