A Manifold Walks into a Five-Dimensional Bar

OK, let’s get even nerdier than chess. What’s the difference between an extroverted mathematician and an introverted one?

The extroverted mathematician looks at your shoes.

Back in the Late Cretaceous, I actually performed mathematical paper-folding tricks on “David Letterman.” Does anyone out there know any other (stupid) math jokes?

13 Responses to “A Manifold Walks into a Five-Dimensional Bar”

  1. Globular Says:

    I have some physics ones:

    This neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?”

    The bartender replied, “You… no charge.’

    Heisenberg was pulled over by the State Police on the Mass Pike and the officer aked, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

    “No, but I know where I am!”

    Thank you, thank you. I’m here ’till Wednesday. Try the veal.


  2. Tom Panelas Says:

    I can’t think of any math jokes. How about philosophy?

    Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Yo, Rene, can I get you a beer?”

    “I think not,” replies Descartes.

    And he disappears.

  3. evan rosenberg Says:

    Forgive me in advance…

    What did the zero say to the eight?

    Nice belt!

  4. Tom Panelas Says:

    Okay, evan, you’ve reminded me of this one, though you may regret it.

    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Because seven eight nine.

    (Paul said they could be stupid.)

  5. Ray C. Says:

    Smith: Let’s play a game. Whoever thinks of the biggest number wins.

    Jones: Okay, you’re on! I’ll go first. Let me think…biggest number…hmmm….Three!

    Smith: Three? Is that the best you can do?! Heh heh…eh…drats!…You win.

    P.S. I believe “matriculate” means “enroll,” not “graduate.”

  6. BudMan Says:

    Interviewer: Tell me, Garry Kimovich, do you prefer the queen on the board, or in the bed?

    Kasparov: Well, that would have to depend on the position.


    I had dinner with Bobby Fischer at a fancy restaurant the other day. Unfortunately there was a checkered tablecloth … it took him 45 minutes to pass the salt.

  7. Andrea Says:

    Glad you liked the joke! I feel like it works with physics/lit/history/shoegaze musicians as well.
    Courtesey of Greg Zuckerman of Yale Math.

  8. zvooki Says:

    what did 6 say to 9 ?
    “Hey, nice head stand! ”
    (an original joke I thought of following evan and Tom)

  9. paulhoffman Says:

    Very nice! Next time I see my eight-year-old, I will share all the jokes in this comment stream (save the queen in bed) and see what he thinks.

  10. zvooki Says:


  11. zvooki Says:

    George W. Bush visits Algeria. As part of his program, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people:
    “You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I was never good at algebra…”


  12. Michael Says:

    How can we forget the classics…

    “Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.”

    Look up “weapons of math instruction” on google for a nice circulating gag story.

  13. Michael Adam Says:

    Okay, here’s a calculus joke for those who can handle it.

    Two mathematics professors are having lunch at a restaurant. The first mathematician keeps complaining about how ignorant the typical American is and how he’s suprised that the average person in this country has enough mathematical prowess to balance a checkbook.

    The second mathematician says, “Don’t you think you’re being a little harsh? The average person surely has more mathematical ability than you give them credit for.”

    The first mathematician responds, “Absolutely not! I’m sure if you asked the first person you met on the street to solve a basic algebra problem, they would have no idea where to start.”

    The second mathematician says, “Okay, I’ll make a bet with you. At the end of the meal, I’ll ask our waitress to solve a calculus problem. If she can solve it, you pay for lunch. If she can’t, I’ll pay.”

    “Thanks in advance for lunch!” the first mathematician says confidently.

    Later, while the first mathematician is in the bathroom, the second mathematician flags the waitress down and says, “Listen, when you bring us our check I’m going to ask you a math question. I want you to answer, ‘one-half x-squared.’ Can you remember that? If you do, I’ll leave an extra big tip.” He encourages her to write it down phonetically and practice it so that it seems natural.

    At the end of the meal, after the waitress puts the bill on the table, the second mathematician says, “Oh, Honey, tell me, could you answer a little question for me? What’s the integral of x with respect to x?”

    The waitress looks unsure at first, but says, “One-half x-squared.”

    With a grin, the second mathematician slides the bill over to the first mathematician.

    On the way out of the restaurant the second mathematician notices that the first mathematician is looking curiously at the bill.

    “What’s the matter?” asks the second mathematician. “Don’t tell me she added wrong. That would be quite the irony!”

    “No,” says the first mathematician. “I’m trying to figure out why our waitress wrote ‘plus a constant you idiot’ on the back of our bill.”

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